I’d like to start off by saying that I buy every single UFC PPV. In case you haven’t figured this out, I love mixed martial arts. If I know a fight card is less then stellar, as was the case for UFC 83, I will still fork over 45 of my heard earned dollars to ZUFFA LLC so that I can watch the stars of the Ultimate Fighting Championship beat each other up.

A few weeks ago I went to the Black Bear in White Plains to grab some dinner and a beer or two or five. When I arrived at the pub, I saw a UFC 83 poster and my curiosity was immediately piqued. I asked the bartender about the poster and he told me that the Black Bear would be playing UFC 83 on every TV, including a large projection screen, and all of the speakers would be on for the fight.

Now that sounds pretty cool. My brother and I decided that instead of purchasing the PPV, we would go to the Black Bear to check it out. This was not a decision we made to save money; we knew we would be spending money on food and drinks and in the long run it would probably cost more then ordering a pie and watching the PPV at one of our places. The idea of being able to watch the PPV on 8 different LCD’s and have high definition audio blaring through surround sound speakers is what sold us on the idea. We arrived at Black Bear, paid our $5.00 cover and sat at a table.

We got there early so we could secure a good spot, and that is exactly what we got. We had clear view of every TV in the place. We ordered some food and waited patiently. The Yankee game was on so that helped kill some time until the PPV pre show which begins at 9:30. Around 9:00PM “DJ Buttaz”, pronounced Butt-Uh-ZZZ – emphasis on the ZZZ, gets on the “ones and two’s” and starts playing all of the greatest hits from the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and today. I assume his name is DJ Buttaz because his musical compositions are as smooth as butter. Good one.

9:30PM comes around and DJ Buttaz is still playing his awful brand of #1 hits from the last 3 decades. Some concern was starting to set in because I wanted to watch the UFC 83 pre show. I realize it’s the same 7 minutes of pre fight hype that loops until the PPV begins, but I still like to watch it. I asked the waiter what was going on and he said the audio would turn on once the fight started.

9:55PM hits and “DJ Buttaz” makes an announcement that the fight audio would turn on in about 20 minutes. The fight starts in 5 minutes! When 10:00pm rolls around, the owners of the bar switch the TV’s over to the UFC broadcast. No audio, though. Buttaz is still spinning the jams. I see the familiar gladiator intro, but no opera chorus, no “Face the Pain” intro music, no pre fight trash talking interviews, nothing. Instead, we were treated to “867-5309 Jenny” . I had invited my friend Germain to come to the Black Bear and I am happy he opted to watch the fight at home. The gladiator intro is his favorite part of the whole event and he would be pretty disappointed if he did not get to hear it.

Twenty minutes passes. We can’t hear any of the commentary from Mike Goldberg or Kenny Florian. DJ Buttaz just couldn’t resist playing as many hits as possible before he was forced to switch audio over to the PPV.

After missing the walk in music of Mark Bocek, Mac Danzig, and half of Bruce Buffer’s announcing, the audio switches over to the fight. Awesome. The night is finally underway and we can now enjoy ourselves. That familiar excitement sets in; the excitement that you feel about once every six weeks when a UFC PPV goes live.

After Danzig chokes out Bocek, I am eager to hear what Danzig has to say. I wouldn’t get to hear his post fight commentary, though, because DJ Buttaz decided that it was more important to play the Bee Gee’s then it was to let people hear the fight audio they paid for.

This would happen the rest of the night. We got audio for the fight, and crappy music immediately after the bell sounded for third round or when a fight was finished. The only time we could hear what was going on was during the actual fight. It was discouraging, it was annoying, and I will NEVER go back to the Black Bear to watch a UFC PPV.

Another highly annoying incident occurred right at 10:00 PM as the PPV was about to start. My brother and I were wearing baseball caps. We didn’t think much of it because, you know, we were at a bar that was playing baseball games and UFC fights. Not exactly the atmosphere that suggests patrons don a black tie and tuxedo. From the corner of my eye I catch a bouncer all but sprinting toward us. This clown even hops over a table to get to our sitting area. God forbid he say excuse me to the four people blocking his path to get to our table. This is a man on a mission. Look out fellas, this guy means business!

My mixed martial arts training has me immediately thinking I should get into my defense stance and deliver a push front kick to the mid section of this guy who seems to be charging right at me. I decided against that, though, because I wanted to see the PPV. Besides, I could take him down if I had to and dispose of him from there if any immediate threat came to light.

After all of the dramatics, he gains access to our table and tells us that you can’t wear hats inside the Black Bear, a bar that plays baseball, basketball, football, NASCAR, and now UFC fights.

We remove our hats. At this point we realized what a huge mistake we made, but we didn’t want to miss the first fight so we opted to stay instead of leaving. The bouncer was bobbing and weaving through other bar patrons to let other people know they had to remove their hats. It was of most importance that this clown maintains the integrity of a bar that plays sports non stop.

I will never, EVER, EVER return to the Black Bear to watch a UFC fight. I’m so annoyed at that place I probably wouldn’t even return for a beer.

If you are going to charge people to watch a fight, let them hear it. They advertised on their website that the fight audio would be on. I even called to double check and was told that we would be able to hear the entire fight.

Also, figure out whether you want to be a yuppie bar or a sports bar. If I come to watch the Yankee game, chances are I might wear a Yankees hat. Ironically, I was wearing a UFC hat that I won during the weigh in at UFC 55.

As the surly comedian Jim Norton would say, the Black Bear STINKS, and I don’t like it.